Women’s Gathering 11/1/2025: Christian Friendship
I wonder, when you hear the word “friendship,” what comes into your mind? If you’re like me, it’s not necessarily all good or all bad. It’s complicated. I can think of sweet fellowship, and I can think of friends that I’ve hurt and that have hurt me. If someone says, “Friendship is easy,” you can be sure that person is 8 years old or younger.
Friendship is easy for my 8-year-old. The whole world is her friend. (Some of you know this from accidentally asking her a question and finding yourself stuck in a long conversation with her.) But once we get into the double digits (ten or eleven years old), we start to figure out that friendship isn’t always easy. It’s good. It’s priceless. But not easy.
What is friendship, anyway? Jon and I actually have a friend who wrote a book about friendship (and he is a wonderful friend!). In his book, Made For Friendship, he defines friendship as “an affectionate bond forged between two people as they journey through life with openness and trust” (Drew Hunter, Made for Friendship, 80).
Following his definition, friendship is a bond. And this bond is forged – it doesn’t just happen. It isn’t stapled or glued. “Forged” implies hard work. This forged bond lasts over some period of time, and is marked by affection, openness, and trust.
So this morning, I’ll share three ways to forge true friendship. But since there is much more to say than I can say this morning, I’d like to recommend several books, for those who want to dive deeper:
Made for Friendship by Drew Hunter
Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Made for People by Justin Whitmel Earley
Beautiful, Messy Friendship by Christine Hoover
The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis, the chapter on “Friendship”
My Dear Hemlock, by Tilly Dillehay, the chapter “On Female Friendship”
Three Ways to Help Forge True Friendship:
Give Up Your Wish Dream
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together, says, "Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream” (26). Bonhoeffer is talking about community within the church, but what he says is also applies to the community that is friendship. You could just as truly say, “Innumerable times a whole friendship has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream.”
A wish dream is an idea of what Christian friendship should look like — and if our actual friendships don't look like that dream, we tell ourselves they aren’t “real” friendships, or “I don’t have any ‘real’ friends.”
Our wish dreams usually portray friendship as easy, comfortable, requiring little effort, and never challenging. In fact, they often resemble something we’ve seen in a movie or in a magazine photo.
Here are some common characteristics of our wish dream friends:
They know everything about us, and understand us completely.
They drop everything and come running when we’re going through something hard.
They never forget an important date or significant event in our life.
They make us feel like we’re in the “in group.”
They instinctively anticipate our needs and drop off a meal or babysit or invite us to dinner at just the right times.
They call us first, because we are their intimate go-to person.
They always say the right thing, always affirm us, and never make us feel inferior or guilty.
They just really, really like us. (Oh, how we want to be liked.)
Hopefully they’re also really funny and love all the exact same things we do.
This isn’t all bad, is it? What’s wrong with these wish dreams?
Bonhoeffer warns us that wish dreams don’t make community, they break community. Beautiful as they may be, wish dreams cause problems. They create an imagined ideal that no real human friendship can ever measure up to. The more wish dreams take over our view of friendship, the more we tend to look with disappointment at the actual friends in our lives. Who can live up to a wish dream?
And wish dreams tend to be me-focused, not God-focused or friend-focused. They tend to arise from comparison, jealousy, fear-of-missing-out, and our desire to have what we think other people have. (Have you ever looked at a group of women chatting and thought, “I wish I had friends like that”?)
Bonhoeffer says that wish dreams will always leave us disillusioned. And this is actually God’s mercy to us. Only people who are disillusioned with themselves and others will forge Christian friendship on the grounds of what Christ has done for us, not what others will do for me.
Sin and misunderstanding will burden our friendships, but Bonhoeffer reminds us, “the…hour of disillusionment with my [myself or my sister] becomes… [health-giving], because it so thoroughly teaches me that neither of us can ever live by our own words and deeds, but only by that one Word and Deed which really binds us together—the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ” (28).
To greater and lesser degrees, we all have a wish dream of friendship. In moments when I ask myself whether I have any friends at all, it is almost always my wish dream speaking to me. That thought does not come from the Holy Spirit through God’s word.
So the first step in forging true Christian friendship is to give up our wish dreams.
How do we do that? Here are a few ideas:
Recognize our wish dream.
We have to know what our wish dream actually is in order to get rid of it. What unrealistic, self-focused, or insecure ideals do you tend to reach for when seeking “friendship”?
Practice thankfulness.
When we give thanks to God for the friendships we do have, we are far less likely to pine after a dream of friendship we don’t have, or call our friendships “not real.”
Live by truth, not emotions.
Our feelings do not determine the truth, but the truth can rightly interpret our feelings. Feelings alone will not tell us the truth about friendship. Bonhoeffer says, contrary to all our emotions and opinions, “Jesus Christ will tell me what love toward the brethren really is” (35).
So, the first way to forge true Christian friendship is to give up our wish dream.
Get Closer to the One True Friend
If we were to ask an older, wiser Christian woman how to find meaningful friendship, and she answered, “Find it in Jesus,” we would probably give a little sigh of dissatisfaction with that answer. We might think, “I was talking about real friends.” And that default reponse would show us that we are absolutely wrong.
Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother (Pr. 18:24). He is the friend who loves at all times, and the Brother who is born for adversity (Pr. 17:17). He is the One who lays down his life for his friends (John 15:13). He far surpasses our best wish dreams.
But too often we esteem him not (Isaiah 53:3). He stands at the door and knocks, saying, “If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and and eat with him, and he with me” (Rev. 3:20-21), and we politely ask him to get out of the way, because we are waiting for a “real” friend to arrive.
In these weeks studying friendship, the single most important thing that I have learned is to be astonished that Jesus is my friend. I have been deeply convicted by how I have neglected, underrated, and misunderstood the absolute gift and privilege of friendship with Jesus. If I could convince you of one thing this morning, it would be this: treasure your friendship with Jesus. Get closer to him. This is my number one take away, and I want it to be yours, too. He is the final answer to all our friendship longings.
In Made for Friendship, Drew Hunter gives a beautiful biblical theology of friendship and he begins by reminding us, “Scripture tells the story of reconciliation, and the main character is God, who, at great cost to himself, turns his enemies into his dear friends” (122).
Just exactly who is this Jesus who made us friends? And what has he done for us?
Turn with me to Colossians 1, verse 15.
Colossians 1:15-22:
15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace (how?) by the blood of his cross.
21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled (how?) in his body of flesh by his death, (why?) in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him.
Who is he? He is the One who makes the invisible God visible. He shows us the heart of God, as John 1 says, “No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father’s side, he has made him known” (verse 18). He is central in Creation and New Creation. He is the Warrior Son who crushes the treacherous serpent (Hunter, 126); the Reconciler who makes peace by shedding his own blood (Col 1:20). He is the Husband who gave himself up for the bride, to sanctify and cleanse her, to present her in splendor, with no spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish (Eph. 5:25-26). He is our Saving Lord, the Lion and the Lamb who was slain; the One who is worthy to open the scroll, break the seals, and reign forever over all things made new. He is the Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end (Rev. 22:12). This is Jesus.
And who are we? We “were alienated and hostile, doing evil deeds” (Col 1:21). We were dead in our sins (Col. 2:13), without hope and without God in the world (Eph 2:12). But now we are reconciled – Jesus made us friends!
Why? To present us “holy and blameless and above reproach before him” (Col. 1:22). He befriends us to be with him, and one day we will be with him forever (Rev. 21:3). He has made hostile enemies into friends, sisters, and coheirs with him. It is astonishing—pure wonder—that Jesus is our friend.
But in our day-to-day lives of work and play, studies and sports, make-up and mirrors, politics and pop culture, social media, streaming and shopping, how much do we care? How close are we to Him? How well do we even know this Friend? Do we even want to? Do we think he is too unapproachable or uninteresting for us to give him much attention?
Turn with me to John 15, and let’s pay attention to what a friend we have in Jesus:
Jesus is a loving friend.
In John 15:9 Jesus says, “As the father has loved me, so I have loved you.” Have you ever thought about this? Can you even imagine how much the Father loves the Son? And Jesus says, “That’s how I love you.” In Ephesians 3:14-19, Paul prays that we would have strength to comprehend “what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.” No one ever has or ever will love you as deeply as Jesus does.
Drew Hunter says, “One of the most pressing questions of our lives, often buried deep in the subconscious, is this: What does God think of me? In all my failings, in all my weakness–how does he feel about me? If you trust Christ, you can answer that question: he loves me as his dear friend” (143).
Jesus is a faithful friend.
John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” On the way to the cross, all the disciples deserted Jesus, but he did not desert them. He died for them, and for us. He loved us, “before the foundation of the world” (Eph 1:4). And nothing can ever separate us from his love (Romans 8:38-39). Jesus has always loved us, and he always will. He is faithful.
Jesus is a transparent friend.
In John 15:15, he says, “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” Just as Jesus is both our King and our friend, we are his servants and his friends. As his friends, he is open with us – he brings us into his own fellowship with the Father, revealing what the Father says and does, and what He is like.
Drew Hunter describes it further:
The servant is only told what to do, but the friend is also told why. The servant merely obeys because he’s told to, but the friend obeys because he wants to. The servant does things out of obligation, but the friend out of joy. The servant only comes when summoned, but the friend is welcome anytime. The servant brings food to the master, but the friend eats it with him. The servant only feels obligation in the relationship, but the friend feels privilege (104).
Jesus is a sanctifying friend.
In John 15:12, Jesus says, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” Verse 16 says, “...I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide.” Friendship with Jesus sanctifies us. He makes us more like himself: more loving, more fruitful, more holy (John 17:17). Friendship with him makes us in practice who we already are in position – saints, daughters, children of light (Eph 4:8).
Don’t you want to get closer to this Friend?
Then abide in him (John 15:4). Abide in his word; abide with him in prayer; and abide with him among his gathered people–the church (Mt. 18:20). Abiding takes time. Charles Spurgeon asks, “Reader, is prayer your element? Or your weariness? Which?” (Morning and Evening, Sept 19, Evening). Similarly, we can ask ourselves, “Self, is abiding in Jesus my element? Or my weariness? Which?” How might our lives be different if it was increasingly our element?
Give up your wish dream. Get closer to your One True Friend.
The final way to forge true friendship is:
Grow to Be a Godly Friend
Again, Drew Hunter says, “Fellowship with Jesus frees us to enjoy other friends. Jesus fulfills our deepest longings for community so that we don’t need to use other people to meet those needs. With Christ as our Friend, we won’t turn others into idols. We won’t place on them relational expectations that they cannot meet. We won’t unload on them relational burdens that they cannot bear” (Made for Friendship,155).
In other words, the more we are friends with Jesus, the more we won’t wish-dream other friendships to death. Because we have the perfect friend in Jesus, we are freed to be a life-giving friend like Jesus.
We often find ourselves uncertain and insecure in our friendships because we are uncertain and insecure in our walk with Jesus. The more we are at home with Jesus, the more we are at ease in our earthly friendships as well.
Here are eleven ways we can grow as godly friends:
Surrender your friendships to God.
Jesus says to God about his disciples, “yours they were, and you gave them to me” (Jn 17:6). Godly friendship starts with God. We ask him what his will is for our friendships in this season of life. Where do we need to grow? Where do we need to let go?Give thanks.
Taking time to name our friends and thank God for them is a sure way to warm our hearts and ward off discontent. God grows us in and through our friendships, and we acknowledge this grace by giving thanks.Love freely.
Friendships sour when we are always counting up how much we’ve given and how much we’ve gotten in return. A godly friend loves freely – not demanding a particular return on their investment. Loving freely means we don’t keep records (1 Cor. 13:5). Like Jesus, we joyfully offer our love as a gift, not a transaction.Be a faithful friend.
A fair-weather friend will walk away easily when friendship gets hard. It’s easier to walk away than to handle conflict well or to wait while a friend is going through something. But a faithful friend has some relational grit. They accept the responsibilities and challenges that come with any meaningful friendship.Be a truth speaker.
One of the marks of true friendship is “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). We don’t merely affirm or flatter or keep conversation shallow. Proverbs tells us “a flattering mouth works ruin” (26:28), but “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (27:6) and “the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (27:9). One of the privileges of friendship is counseling one another. We need to be willing to give and receive both an encouraging and a challenging word. And it should always be spoken and received in love – because we’re friends. : )Prioritize Face-to-face time
Both Abraham and Moses are considered “friends of God” in the Old Testament, because God spoke to them “face to face,” as a friend (Ex. 33:11). True friendship grows best in real-life, not digital life. Maybe we need to cancel something on our schedule to make time for our friends. Or we might forge friendship with someone we already spend a lot of time with.Be a Transparent Friend.
Justin Whitmel Earley says, “The whole world is familiar with our strange relational default – to be with the people we love, over and over, yet never say what we actually mean” (thecommonrule.org/friendship). But in John 15, Jesus calls the disciples his friends because he is open with them. True friendships requires openness. Friends trust each other and are worthy of trust.
Drew Hunter offers a compelling illustration: “Each of us is like a lake, with both shallow areas and hidden depths. We can open the shallows to public fishing. But we should also have a few trusted friends who can access the deeper parts” (104).
No one should have no one that they open up to.Be a sanctifying friend.
In John 15, Jesus’s love for the disciples produces love in them. He befriends them so that they may “go and bear fruit.” Godly friendships will make us more holy, not less holy. If time spent with friends tends to make us more worldly, we need to evaluate those friendships.Be a realistic friend.
Our friends aren’t perfect, and neither are we. Col. 3:13 exhorts us to “bear with one another” when we have complaints about each other. In Beautiful, Messy Friendship, Christine Hoover says, “Bearing with one another means we overlook small offenses instead of storing up bitterness…we celebrate with our friends instead of envying them…Bearing with one another means we don’t demand that our friendships stay static. We allow our friends to grow and change as individuals and for the friendship to evolve over time” (152).Be a good listener.
Remember James 1:19: let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. ‘Nuff said! But seriously. Being a good listener and asking good questions is a mark of a true friend.Be an inclusive friend.
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis points out that true friendship is always delighted to add another to the group. Cliques are exclusive, but friendship is inclusive. True friendship reaches out and happily brings others in. This includes reaching out to those who don’t know Jesus, so that we can introduce them to the Friend of sinners.
Our God is a befriending God. Friendship is his idea. None of us is a perfect friend, but we have a perfect Friend. As we draw close to him, we are more ready to draw close to one another.
1 John 1:7 “If we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”
Discussion Questions:
What are some examples of how a wish dream can hinder true friendships?
What tends to be most challenging for you when seeking to forge true friendships?
How has Jesus shown himself to be a faithful Friend to you over the past few months or years?
Which aspect of godly friendships most resonated with you?
How has social media impacted your experience of friendship?
How have certain friends influenced your character for better? How have certain friends negatively influenced you?
Think of your life situation (single, married, kids, no kids, introvert, extravert). How does your life situation make friendships challenging? How does it make it less challenging?
What are one or two things Christians can do to experience true friendship in the context of the local church?